The Art of Boundaries: Why Helping Less Can Actually Help More
Let's talk about something counterintuitive: sometimes the most supportive thing you can do is step back. Whether you're parenting a child with ADHD, partnering with someone who has it, or managing your own ADHD, boundaries aren't just nice to have - they're essential for growth and independence.
Picture this: your partner is struggling to meet deadlines, so you start managing their calendar. Your teenager can't seem to get homework done, so you become their personal reminder system. Sounds helpful, right? But here's the uncomfortable truth - this kind of "help" often becomes a crutch that prevents the development of crucial coping skills.
Let's break down why boundaries matter:
For Partners
Think of it like teaching someone to swim. If you constantly hold them up, they never learn to float on their own. When non-ADHD partners take over too many executive function tasks, they:
Enable dependency
Build resentment
Prevent skill development
Create unequal relationship dynamics
Exhaust themselves
The real challenge isn't doing things for your partner - it's supporting them while they figure out their own systems. This might mean:
Watching them struggle with time management
Letting them face natural consequences
Offering suggestions without taking control
Celebrating small improvements
Being patient with the learning process
For Parents
The stakes feel even higher with kids. Every parent knows that gut-wrenching feeling of watching your child struggle. But consider this: every time you swoop in to save the day, you're sending two messages:
"You can't handle this on your own"
"You don't need to learn how to handle this"
Instead of becoming their external executive function, focus on:
Teaching planning skills
Helping them develop their own reminder systems
Letting them experience manageable failures
Building confidence through independent success
Creating age-appropriate responsibility
The College Transition Crisis
Here's where weak boundaries often show their true cost. Too many students hit college and suddenly face:
No one tracking their assignments
No one managing their schedule
No one ensuring they wake up for class
No one monitoring their study habits
No one organizing their living space
The result? A painful crash course in independence at exactly the wrong time.
Building Better Boundaries
So how do we create boundaries that support growth? Start with:
Clear Communication
Express expectations explicitly
Define what help looks like
Establish consequences upfront
Acknowledge the learning curve
Celebrate progress
Graduated Independence
Start with small responsibilities
Increase complexity gradually
Provide scaffolding, not solutions
Allow natural consequences
Maintain consistent expectations
Support Without Rescue
Offer guidance when asked
Share strategies, not solutions
Be present for struggles
Validate feelings without fixing
Champion effort over outcome
The Hard Part
Here's what makes good boundaries so challenging - they often feel cruel in the moment. Watching someone struggle when you could easily help feels terrible. But remember:
Struggle builds capability
Failures teach resilience
Independence builds confidence
Personal systems last longer than borrowed ones
Growth requires space
For Those With ADHD
If you're the one with ADHD, strong boundaries help you:
Develop your own coping strategies
Build confidence in your abilities
Create sustainable systems
Maintain healthy relationships
Achieve genuine independence
The Long Game
Think of boundaries as an investment in future capability. Short-term struggles lead to:
Better problem-solving skills
Increased self-reliance
Stronger relationships
More effective coping strategies
Greater self-confidence
Remember: Good boundaries don't mean abandonment. They mean creating space for growth while maintaining support. It's about finding that sweet spot between:
Help and enabling
Support and control
Guidance and interference
Care and codependence
Love and overprotection
Moving Forward
Start by identifying areas where boundaries need strengthening:
Where are you taking over instead of supporting?
What tasks could others handle with proper guidance?
Where might your help be hindering growth?
What systems could replace your intervention?
How can you step back while staying supportive?
The goal isn't to withdraw support entirely - it's to provide the right kind of support. Think of it like teaching someone to ride a bike: you hold on at first, then run alongside, then watch proudly as they pedal away on their own.
Remember: Strong boundaries aren't walls - they're frameworks that support healthy growth and relationships. They allow everyone involved to develop their strengths, maintain their independence, and build lasting coping strategies.
It might feel harder in the short term, but in the long run, good boundaries create stronger, more capable individuals and healthier relationships. And isn't that worth a little temporary discomfort?